Benchmarking

The teaching effort on the Good Ship Lollipop is to be redoubled. Analysis, and don't forget the first two syllables get the stress, conducted redoubtedly in fairness and integrity across the university's departments in all their diversity etc, has concluded that the optimal teaching load is to be benchmarked at a more efficient level. That is, near doubled.

That is the good news. By the way.

The oft quoted benchmark is a competitor in the far away lands of Hobbiton on the Shire. A 'university' that became one roughly a hundred years after our august institution, and still has another hundred years of catching up to do. (Proof available on request). Scoring lowest in the country for staff satisfaction, approx half Lollipop's marks on the Grauniad's and not even there on the research list. That's our relevant competitor how?

Changing the subject. I'm furious about Darren Bent. You see, some moron thought that he could make the jump from Charlton to Spurs for an exorbitant wad of wonga. Now no respect to Charlton Athletic who have given sterling entertainment to the cousin fuckers of South East London, but it's not exactly the kind of team or player that Spurs should be comparing themselves to. Or even to whom Spurs should be extending a hand of "this is your level". See it's not the comparison. Dreamers we may be, but us yids are dreamers with a purpose, and that purpose is at least fifth place right now. (and we might have done it this year if we hadn't had such a shambles). What I'm saying here is that we benchmark with the Manc, Bin Dippers, Chavski or The Child Rapists., not Charlton Athletic or Kidderminster Harriers or God help us all Rushden and Diamonds.

Stepford, however, is insistent that this comparison is valid. And she has a formula, and that determines the loading. This is quite incredible really as the department is small enough to ask people what they are doing, but for some really unknown and unfathomable reason, collection of quite inaccurate and loaded data (Hey kids, it's called garbage in garbage out for a reason you know?) takes precedent.

Of course, asking implies communication which implies a two way exchange of information, but that is of course, no way to treat people who do or teach management. So instead, we can safely just be told.

(Paraphrase of genuine communication: I hope you had a nice holiday. Here's another course for you to run. I'm fucking off on holiday, so talk to someone else.. )

The irony is that if you genuinely ask people, you usually get their goodwill (up until the point where you start taking the piss).

I come home to She Who Must Be Obeyed. I tell her the above. "What do you teach, again?" she says.

Oh fortune how you mock me.